Scattered Thoughts: Wanting Is Hell
By: Renay Walker

Author's Notes & Disclaimer

Author's Notes: Okay, here goes. I'm having fun with this series. This is the sequel to 'Close Your Eyes' which was the sequel to 'Crash.' And from here on out, this entire series will be referred to as the "Crash Series." The rating on this one, believe it or not, is also PG-13. Really, the steamy stuff is coming eventually for all of you hanging on the edge of your seats.

Teaser/Summary: Adam reflects on his dreams and the kiss.

Disclaimer: They don't belong to me. If they did, the show would still be on television. The characters of Adam Newman and Ami Jackson and Megabyte Damon and Jade Weston (who appear in name only) do not belong to me. They are the property of Roger Damon Price, Thames/Tetra Television, Nickelodeon, etc. They are used here without permission, but I'm not making a single red penny (or green dollar) off of any of this.

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There were stupider things I could have done than kiss Ami.  As I said a final goodnight to her and left her standing on her front porch, I was certain that I could have done something stupider. Unfortunately, I was hard pressed to figure out what that something was.

Not that I mean to imply that kissing Ami was a bad thing. My actions weren't stupid as in bad - just a bit poorly thought out. Or not thought out at all.  In hindsight, I realized that that one kiss fanned the flames of a growing attraction that I simply could not deny. God knows I had tried, but it was pointless. Two months of dreams and the undeniable need I had to actually see her or to be around her couldn't be all wrong.  In fact, kissing her had felt right - almost too right.  She fit perfectly in my arms, like she had been born to fit there. And once I started kissing her, I hadn't wanted to stop.  I had stopped, but it had been a struggle. Especially when she kissed me back so openly and so earnestly.  Ami didn't hold anything back and that alone sent my mind racing in a million different directions, calling up images that were better left to dreams and fantasies.

Ami was still so young and so very na´ve. I had to remember that. I imagined that she would be very put out with me if she heard me describe her like that, but it was the truth.  She hadn't the slightest idea or hint of how she had affected me. She didn't realize that one kiss had aroused me on the deepest level and left me yearning for something more.  Something that I was certain that Ami wasn't willing to give and it was something that I certainly didn't have the right to ask for.

I was actually almost ashamed of myself.


Almost, because if I were being honest with myself, I was actually fascinated by this attraction.  I didn't know how or why it had started.  I didn't know when Ami Jackson had become the woman I most desired in my bed.  I didn't care. I was fascinated and intrigued.

And I was scared to death.

It had been a long time since I felt this way about anyone.  Despite all the fun and good time we'' had, not even Lucy had created this type of stirring in me to explore the unknown. I had cared for Lucy a lot. Looking back, I had no regrets with any parts of our relationship - physical or otherwise.  But Lucy had never obsessed me the way Ami did these days - and that was the part that scared me. Attraction, I could handle; I had been attracted to a great many women in my very short life. Like and fondness I could handle.  But this was something different entirely. This was a new level of blind craving that I knew would get me into trouble and possibly destroy a friendship if I allowed it to get out of hand.

If I could have led myself to believe that I was falling for Ami, it would have made things much easier.  More bearable.  But I wasn't. Yes, I loved her. I loved her in much the same way that I loved Jade and Megabyte. Admittedly there were some differences; there had to be or I wouldn't be having such intense dreams about her, and I wouldn't have been walking through the dark London streets pondering the situation. No, the difference was that I didn't love Ami in the way that a man should love a woman that he took into his bed.

No, I was not being supremely na´ve.  I'd had a one-night stand before. The woman had been beautiful and the sex had been fabulous.  But in the end, it had left me disillusioned and disappointed. Lucy once accused me of being a romantic at heart, and maybe she was right. Maybe I am.

Romantic or no, as tempting as the thought might have been, I couldn't take advantage of Ami like that. I respected her a little too much to follow along on my traitorous impulses -

Who did I think I was kidding? If Ami offered herself up to me, I would not turn her aside. I knew that. I also knew that I was treading a very fine line. Right now, we had only shared a brief kiss, and there was no reason to move beyond that. No reason aside from the fact that I desperately wanted to; I desperately wanted my dream to become reality.

No greater hell than wanting what you can never have.



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